As a Couples Counsellor who regularly helps couples struggling with communication, I’d like to demystify what this actually means. If you’re in a couple and are reading this, I want to help you understand what’s going on between you, and reassure you, that it can be tackled.

I often meet couples who tell me they want to improve communication, and poor communication is often an issue for those couples who don’t bring it up. Poor communication can cause misunderstanding, hurt, distrust, conflict, and distance. It needs to be attended to, so that you’re happier with your partner and your bond strengthens.

Why is communication so important?

Being heard, is vital for our wellbeing. When we’re heard, we feel good. And if our partner puts themselves into our shoes, and empathises with us, that’s even better. Being heard means we feel understood and that our partner really “gets us”. We feel respected and important to our partners, and if they hear us, we’re more likely to have some influence in what goes on in the partnership.

When we don’t feel heard, we can feel frustrated, helpless, hurt and disconnected from our partner. Some couples get angry and argue, or one or both partners withdraw, and there is silence and sulking. If we get resentful because we’re not listened to, we’re less willing to listen to our partner. Communication can easily degenerate into a tennis match, where each of you tries to score points and win. In this scenario, there can be no resolution between you.

Being heard, is what we long for from our partners and yet sadly, we are not always good at practicing good listening and empathy ourselves.

The communication pitfalls

When I’m working with a couple, very often one or both will say “He/she doesn’t listen to me, nothing changes, they don’t care……”. The irony is that at the same time, the one who really wants to be listened to, is also often struggling to listen well themselves. In sessions, I frequently witness poor listening, from one or both parties. Poor listening includes, interrupting, getting heated and defensive, and replying with something from your own agenda, rather than it being relevant to what your partner has said. And remember, body language is so important. When your partner won’t look at you, turns their body away, crosses their arms, rolls their eyes, or grimaces at something you’ve just said, you are going to feel ignored and dismissed. The same goes, if you behave in this way.

4 key skills to work, on so you can communicate well with your partner

• Being open and telling your partner what you’re thinking and feeling
• Active listening
• Accepting the differences between you
• Working on resolution

How Couple Counselling can help with these 4 areas of communication

1. Being Open

Sometimes we feel so misunderstood by our partners and blame them, when it’s often because we aren’t brave enough to say what’s on our mind or in our hearts. If we’re quiet or closed, our partner can’t connect with us. We

don’t do this on purpose, we’re usually avoiding the risks of opening up, because we fear difficult reactions. We may also be carrying lots of emotional “baggage” from past experiences, that may not have anything to do with our partner. The old patterns and defenses that prevent us from opening up, block communication. If old “baggage” replays in the relationship, it’s easy for communication to degenerate.

At the same time, it's really hard to be self-aware and even realise that this is what we’re doing, and this is where couples counselling can help. With compassion and no judgment, the couples counsellor can help a couple explore and recognize their own unhelpful blocks. Once blocks/defenses are acknowledged and accepted, partners are much more likely to want to do something about them and shift behaviour. Using curiosity and empathy, the couples counsellor encourages and supports openness in the couple, and steers them away from unproductive and hurtful conflict.

2. Active Listening

Active listening is not just physically hearing your partner’s words. It includes using open and unjudgmental body language. It demands taking in what your partner has said, showing interest and asking questions. It means showing that you’ve understood and can show empathy. Active listening takes effort, and the biggest shame is that we’re not taught how to do it.

As a couples counsellor, this is an important area that I focus on. I help couples notice and understand their communication pitfalls. I also often help couples practice more helpful ways, using specific communication exercises. Although communication exercises can feel a little “clunky” at first, I’ve had so much feedback about how helpful, and even “amazing” they are. A couple who learn how to listen to each other, then feel heard and become closer. Once effective communication is in place, couples are so much better equipped at managing their differences.

3. Accepting Difference

This is a biggie, we can learn how to actively listen, but it’s always so much harder if we don’t like what we’re hearing. So often, we want our partner to be like ourselves, and if they’re telling us about how they differ from us, often we don’t like it. I regularly see exchanges between couples, where what one person says, is deeply triggering for their partner. The triggered response might be hurt, irritation, frustration or something else. Essentially, the “triggered” partner doesn’t want to take the information in, because they don’t agree with it.

Being able to manage difference in a relationship, is key to that relationship’s success. This is where acceptance and empathy come in. I spend a fair amount of my time, helping people accept and develop empathy, towards their partner’s different views. Developing this is critical, because it’s only from this position, that a couple are able to show mutual respect, kindness and compromise. From mutual respect, a couple can successfully resolve problematic differences. As a couples counsellor, I can help you, as a couple, navigate what can seem like impossible conflict and differences. I can support you in learning how to respect and compromise better together.

4. Resolution

When I see a couple who have differences that are troubling them, we work on both partners being able to be open, and listen well and have empathy. Once someone has learnt how to listen well and empathise, their ability to compromise with their partner is greatly increased. The aim is to resolve things to a “good enough” extent, for both partners. So that they are both relatively happy and don’t resent each other. Being in a couple is never perfection, and it takes effort on both sides. However, with the right focus and work on developing good communication skills, a couple can find much more happiness and grow stronger together. This is where I come in. You don’t have to face this on your own, you can reach out for my specialist support, learn to improve your communication and really strengthen your relationship.

Contact Me

If you want to feel heard and be able to hear your partner, and be able to resolve your differences, then my expert help is at hand. Do get in touch, and let me help you communicate well and reap the rewards.